party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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