just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
