I'd wear matching sweaters with you
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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