How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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