after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
