Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
