If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
