My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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