I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
