You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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