someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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