My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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