Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
