How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
