Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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