The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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