you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
