Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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