Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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