just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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