Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
