its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
