just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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