he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
