so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
