Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
