I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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