Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Can Purell be used as lube?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
