i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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