The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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