Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
