Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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