The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
