there's paper in my vomit.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
