Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
