Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
