You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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