I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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