GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
