this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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