There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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