If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
