Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
