I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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