I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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