I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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