my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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