There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
