Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
