is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
