You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Enjoy the penises
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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