do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry my hands just texted you
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
