i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
