Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
