Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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