Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
