Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
