I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
