i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
