ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
