My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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